The Nostalgia Wolf 4 - The Final Chapter
by Eggkara
Summary: The saga comes to an epic end...


**The Nostalgia Wolf 4 - The Final Chapter.**

By Matt

PROLOGUE:

The team stood on the deck of the USS Exit Strategy. The Angry Reviewer initiative, Latza called them:

Rob Walker, brother of the wolf.

Brad Jones, the vampire king of exploitation.

Benzaie, the recluctant frenchman-made-vampire.

Old Joe, a broken hero denied his citizenship.

Miles Antwiler, the cybernetic cop with a white-beating heart.

Marzgurl, the whore of babylon.

Their mission: Get back Phelous. Get back James. Get back their safety from the interdimensional illegal alien, Doctor Insano.

The interdimensional travel was the easy part: now, in the cold emptiness of space, they only had each other's company, and silence. After the fifth time, even bukkake-ing Marzgurl got old.

Then, while she cleaned herself up licking the last remnants of cum, they each started reminiscing about their recruitment.

Rob Walker, the detective. Paul Latza showed up at the police station just as his boss was about to take his badge.

"Stop this madness," said Latza. Immediately recognizing him, his boss just kneeled.

"Nothing, I said nothing!" screamed the boss, making his best Dr. Pavel impression.

"Stay silent, my child," said Latza with the caring authority of the good monarch. "I have need of this man."

He pointed at Rob.

"What do you want from me? Are you going to set me against my brother as well?" He asked.

"Your brother is just a pawn in a much bigger chessgame," said Latza, while the policeman spitshined his shoes. "I need you to lead an operation. We call it The Angry Reviewer Initiative. Our universe is threatened by much bigger evils than nignogs shooting each other in the streets over crack."

Rob just nodded. Nobody could argue with Paul Latza, and his relocation was just a matter of hours.

Brad Jones and Benzaie were present at the final earthly encounter with the Nostalgia Wolf; They tracked down him and Insano right in the ruins of Trump Tower, an undying monument to human civilization. They were killing and pillaging randomly, with seemingly no porpouse.

When Lupa tracked them down she flew there with Brad and Benzaie, and even the Vampire Queen, Lindsay Ellis, showed up for the fight.

Insano and the Nostalgia Wolf held their own, but they could not resist the attacks of the children of the Dragon. Insano retreated, and Lindsay Ellis was about to kill Douge, now reduced to a limping, whimpering dog.

"You're pathetic, Douge. You've always been pathetic. The Nostalgia name was always mine to take. I thought you would kill yourself eventually. My mistake was not putting you down like the rabid dog you were long ago. Goodbye."

They were suddenly interrupted by the sound of a teleporter. Distracted, they did not notice Insano, having restored his power cell, activating the dimensional travel, getting away both him and the Nostalgia Wolf.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Lindsay. "We had him! We fucking had him!"

Paul Latza stepped out of the light.

"We know where their secret base is now. No need to worry. I am here to ask you to join our Angry Reviewers initiative to crush them once and for all."

Lindsay recovered her calm. "It doesen't matter, they are gone now. They can do no harm to us. The vampire community has no stake in this, pardon the pun."

She started flying away, and Lupa after her, but they noticed Brad and Benzaie staied behind.

"Obey, our slaves," they said in unison.

Brad's and Benzaie's eyes lit up when they heard the words "angry reviewers".

It was so long ago, Brad still had hair.

"Maybe we should listen to what they have to say," said Benzaie. He didn't really care about the situation at hand - he was immortal now, after all - but he wanted to meet his friends once again before they would all die, as a final reminder of his humanity.

Lupa and Lindsay just laughed.

"We have no business with mere mortals, even this... Latza, as powerful as he may be, means nothing to us. Your role is to pleasure us sexually and nothing more."

Benzaie started crying, and almost went after them. Brad put an hand on his shoulder, stopping him.

"No," he said.

"What? You too, Brad?" Said Lupa, baffled.

"I'm tired of being a cuck. WE're tired of being cucks. We're through following your orders."

Brad picked up two bottles of crystal pepsi out of his pants.

"No, Brad! Don't do it!" screamed Lupa, trying to run away.

Brad did not listen. For a second he remembered the girl Lupa once was, his friend's girlfriend that he fucked a lot more than his friend did. A single tear came down his eye, and then chucked the crystal pepsi at her.

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," screamed Lupa, dissolving. Lindsay Ellis started flying away.

"Use this!" said Latza, giving brad a rocket launcher. Brad loaded the remaining bottle into the launcher and fired at Lindsay.

The once vampire queen turned into a puff of smoke and disappeared.

"What the fuck just happened?" asked Benzaie.

"This shit is lethal to vampires," said Brad. "I'm immune because I've drunk so much of it during the years."

Latza clapped.

"You handled yourselves well," he said. "I take it you're interested?"

"I'm drunk enough to think this is a good idea," said Brad. Benzaie just nodded, and they left with Latza, surrounded by a thin white mist.

Old Joe did not need much convincing. When Paul picked him up he was a broken man, a husk. But through Marzgurl's dark powers, Latza gave him his youth back, his energy back. All he needed now was his citizenship, and Latza offered him that as well. It felt weird, wearing his old electrokynetic jacket once again.

But he would get used to it, because he had a job to do, and that job involved killing a lot of people.

Miles looked at him with suspicion. "Once a spick, also a spick," he thought.

The day of his execution would have to wait though, because even for the most hard core race realist, interdimensional aliens are much worse than mexican aliens.

He was built from the ground up for this mission; killing the dark warlock Asalieri was just training. Paul offered him the chance to really make a difference; free from the police bureaucracy, free from the vampire bureaucracy, free from the interdimensional bureaucracy. His whole body was a weapon created for one porpouse: Destroy everything that has a darker tone of skin, and aliens.

They all met in front of the ship, in the hangar of Fuhrer Mike Stoklasa's castle in North Canada. After a few formal handshakes and a formal gangbanging of Marzgurl, a hologram of Latza showed up in the hangar to clarify their mission.

"James Rolfe is acting as our bait. Through my Godlike powers I can identify his location anywhere in the multiverse. He's going to lead us right to their base.

We didn't start this war, they brought this war to us. You have the full support of Disney Corp. behind you. These Interdimensional menaces have no chance against us. I picked you because you are the best of the best, and I modelled this ship after the one in To Boldly Flee, which just happens to be my favourite movie of all time.

Unfortunately I will never be able to come with you, since I am way too busy having my dick sucked by supermodels while being a multi-multi-multi-triloinaire. Godspeed gentlemen. I'd say 'may God be with you', but I already know I am."

The Latza hologram disappeared and after Marzgurl was done healing her torn asshole, Mike, in his full Nazi uniform, showed up in front of them.

"That's where I come in," he said. "We've been communing in secret with Latza ever since he sent us his audition tape. He knew one day it would come to this, so we invested the Space Cop crowdfund money into building this stargate to different dimensions."

Mike pulled out a remote and, after pushing a button, the walls of the hangar opened up to a huge futuristic-looking portal.

"The coordinates were sent to us by Latza. He's financing this whole operation. I would come with you, but I don't want to, OOOOOOOOOOHHH!"

Mike stumbled away awkwardly, and the group was led inside the ship by a bunch of men in black.

The system seemed to start up by itself, with almost no imput from the team and no other crew on board. After passing through the stargate they found themselves in deep space, the ship sailing to a fixed destination.

Marzgurl had just finished milking herself and pouring each of them a glass of breast milk, when Insano's satellite came into view. Their information was correct; the tracker told them James Rolfe was somewhere in the building.

They did not know what horrors awaited them. But one thing was for sure: Marzgurl was a giant slut.

CHAPTER 1:

"They're shooting at us!" screamed Jack Bauer.

The USS Exit Strategy was under attack. Some stupid-looking ships shaped like diesel cars were shooting colored lasers at them.

"This is retarded," said Miles, holding onto his gun. "Just shoot me out with the missiles and I will shoot them down with my white might."

"Hold your horses badass," said Brad jones. "this situation reminds me of something..."

"Stop it right there," said Rob, trying to hold onto his revolver without shooting himself.

"Nah wait, it was one of those shitty movies we made, I was wearing a stupid darth vader mask, and weren't you dressed like the emperor?"

"You shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you," said Rob pointing his revolver at brad's head. "I've done things I'm not proud of, but that was then and this is now."

"Brad's got a point though," said Marzgurl, swallowing sperm. "This is even the same ship, which means the person shooting at us is..."

The ship's screen suddenly lit up.

"It is I, Terl!" the familiar image of Spoony in his awful Terl costume shocked everyone.

"Brother, even after your death you never cease to humiliate me," said Miles.

"Spoony, I thought you killed yourself?" Said Benzaie.

"I don't know who this "Spoony" you talk about is. I, Terl, managed to survive the fatal explosion of our mothership when Doctor Insano teleported me away! Now I can quote shakespeare and have my revenge on you! It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves!"

The car/ship swarm launched itself at the USS Exit Strategy. Everyone was standing still, shocked.

"Joe, fire!" screamed Marzgurl. Punished Joe took control of the turret and started shooting at the ships.

"Again Joe!" screamed Marzgurl again.

The ships started going down one after the other.

"The shields are going down, we need more firepower!" screamed Benzaie, then he pissed his pants and lied down in a fetal position sucking his thumb.

"Stop assuming command," said Rob, before slapping Marzgurl's ass. She moaned and left. "Give me Miles Antwiler!"

Miles improvised a nazi salute and stood in front of him. "Command me my fuhrer!"

"Can you really just go into the vacuum of space and kill those fuckers?"

"My body is a machine, I can take it."

"Does it bother you that their captain looks like your late brother?"

"It will make it easier." He said, coldly.

Rob instructed Marzgurl to load him up into the missile launcher and shot him into space.

Joe kept shooting at the smaller ships, distracting Terl, until Miles managed to get up close to the windshield and punch it open, grabbing Terl by the neck.

"You may wear my brother's face, but in your heart, you're no better than a shitskinned spick. Witness the might of white power!"

Miles chugged a grenade in the car and propelled himself away with his feet.

Terl started screaming, but the explosion cut off his screams and sent Miles flying thowards their ship.

He got into the living room by punching a hole into it, but the wall immediately repaired itself with the nanotech thingy.

The smaller ships were in disarray, and Joe made quick work of them.

"Jooo, esseeee! We killed those cojones good cabron!" he screamed.

Miles, still lying on the floor, sent him a murderous stare.

"I-I mean, USA! USA! Go America! Am I right friends?" Joe tried to save face, but Miles knew his day would come eventually.

The situation eventually calmed down. Rob immediately started chewing on Marzgurl.

"God-Emperor Latza put me in command of this operation, never assume command over me ever again."

"Sure, you might be in command, but you were weirded out when Terl showed up on screen... and then you froze!" She said, trying to justify herself. Rob just slapped her and then gave her a quick fuck in front of everybody, so she calmed down.

The situation was weird though. As much as it pained him to admit it, it reminded him too much of To Boldly Flee. What was going on?

Rob mused on it, as the ship started docking on Insano's satellite.

CHAPTER 2:

The ship docked on the satellite. The team went down: everywhere they looked, crazy SCIENCE creations were flying around. Purple armadillo spiders, pink pony sharks.

"This definetly looks like Insano's doing," said Marzgurl. Joe slapped her right tit and then raped her throat for no real reason.

Miles was disgusted by it, but couldn't really object to marzgurl being throatfucked. He was too used to it by now.

Rob pointed to the SCIENCEy mansion.

"That's where our enemy is," he said. "Take out your weapons. You never know what could be around the next corner."

They moved thowards the mansion, shooting down the creatures in a fucked up game of street fighter 2010. Slowly, they got close to the gate.

"What is that?" asked a nigger voice.

Benzaie almost ran away to suck his dick, but Brad stopped him.

"What do you mean?" said Marzgurl, holding her technological futuristic rifle.

"That laser rifle," the nigger said. "Don't use that."

They all saw him. A tall nigger, wearing an edgy outfit, a fedora and sunglasses.

Rob shriveled.

"Malachite," he thought. Everyone recognized him immediately, but said nothing.

Benzaie started jerking off at the thought of Marzgurl dresses as Princess Mononoke, but Brad just beat him down to a bloody pulp until he stopped.

"Techonolgy is the bane of our world." The nigger said, while grabbing his staff. "I'll purge it from this universe."

He sent a thunder spell thowards Miles, but he dodged it quickly.

"Shoot him!" Screamed Rob, and everyone started unleashing their rifles on him.

Malachite did not react however. Marzgurl stopped on her tracks.

"We need a special power to defeat him," she said.

"Is it like that garbage movie?" Brad said. "I can't believe I starred in that."

Rob staied silent, ashamed.

"Which one was that? I only remember getting raped while dressed as Conan," said Benzaie.

"I don't know," said Marzgurl. "I was too busy sucking brad's dick to read the script."

"Well you don't have to tell everybody," said Brad. "It's not like I was the only one there. Everyone here remembers the j-dub bukkake you and lindsay took part in."

"It was heart, ok?" Said Rob, pissed off. "Heart defeated Malechite at the end. I shot that shitty movie so I know. But Bhargav isn't here right now, so there isn't much we can do."

Malechite sent a fireball thowards them, and they scattered.

"So what do we do?" Said Miles, reloading his rifles. "It's the first time in my career I haven't been able to just shoot a nigga. You're in charge here, just tell me what to do."

"HEART!" screamed an indian voice from behind them. A pink ray of light stunned Malechite for a second.

"Filthy poo in the loo," said Miles, pointing his rifle at him. Rob stopped him.

Ma-ti stepped out from the shadows.

"HEART! HEART! HEART!" He screamed, shooting lasers at Malechite. The evil sorcerer stumbled, falling on the ground.

"Stop it you fool," said Malechite. "Our existance is dependant on this magic world. Killing me will do you no good, these invaders just want to erase us like the website that once housed them. Is that really what you want?"

Ma-ti looked at Rob.

"You're his brother, right?" asked Ma-ti.

Rob nodded. He instinctively knew what he was talking about.

"Tell the nostalgia critic I have been useful."

Saying that, he ran thowards Malachite, screaming "HEART" with all his heart.

Malachite and Ma-ti screamed, exploding together.

"What the fuck happened?" asked Miles. "Two niggers just collided and I didn't get a chance to shoot either. What did you even bring me along for?"

"Actually, one of them was indian," said Joe.

"Same thing," said Miles.

"It's just like our movies," said Rob, overcoming his shame. "Terl was in To Boldly Flee, Malachite was in Suburban Knights. Something fishy is going on here."

"Oh, that is a lot of fish INDEED!" said Insano, showing up in front of them, flying with his anti-gravity boots.

The group started shooting at him, but the shots went through him. They soon realized he was just a holographic projection.

"Our plan is almost at its end. Did you really think you could stop us?" Insano laughed. Miles stepped up to him.

"How come all these fuckers look like my dead brother?" He asked.

"Your brother is far from dead in this dimension. That's why we can all exist at the same time. You killed Terl, but he's just going to come back to us in due time. Your Phelous made us immortal. Our portal to your dimension is almost done, and James just gave us the coordinates: your days are counted, you have nowhere to go but home!" Insano laughed again, but Miles aimed at the transmitter, and destroyed it.

"Why did you do that?" Said Brad.

"I don't care what he has to say," he said. "All we need to do is kill every single mother fucking illegal interdimensional alien. And if they come back, we just kill them again."

Everyone nodded, and proceeded thowards the mansion.

CHAPTER 3:

The team had to fight through hoards of robots just to get inside the mansion.

Once inside, countless traps and dangers separated them from the basement, where the tracker located James Rolfe and Phelous, behind jail bars.

"Please kill me!" Screamed Phelous, from behind bars. James just stood there, looking blindly at the bars.

"We're here to get you out," said Rob, struggling to open up the jail cell.

"You don't know what they did to me," said Phelous. "I'd rather die, I don't want to get out. Just shoot me."

Phelous got shot in the head right away.

Rob turned away, looking at Miles's smoking gun.

"I got him what he wanted. I was never fond of seeing animals suffer."

"He was canadian," said Rob.

"Same thing."

"Well, I feel all better now," said Phelous, showing up behind them.

"WHAT?" they all screamed together.

"Did you forget who the fuck I am? They don't know who I am, Baltard. I'm so offended by that." Phelous started talking to a plastic toy he held in his hand. They all looked at him as if he were insane, until the toy replied.

"I, Baltard, know who you are Phelous, and I know what you did, putting me inside your ass while you masturbate to Marzgurl's dance videos!"

"SHUT UP!" Said Phelous, then threw the toy away. Marzgurl blushed, but a cumshot from Brad brought her back to reality.

"The key to the cell is hidden on top of that shelf, I've seen the guard put it there," said Phelous. Miles checked it out, then grabbed they key and handed it to Rob with a nod.

Rob opened up the cell and he kneeled in front of James.

"You're the angry video game nerd, right? We're here to get you out, can you stand?"

A few seconds passed. "I'm not the AVGN. I'm... James, yeah. James is my name."

The man was delirious. Rob repeated his question. "Can you stand?"

"They did something to me," said James. "They made me... different. But yes, I can stand."

Rob and Benzaie helped James up, and both him and Phelous joined the group.

"That was easy," said Miles. "Too easy. It's almost as if someone wanted us to free them."

Phelous sighed. "I guess. Maybe we gotta kill the big bad guy before we're really free? What do you think robert cop?"

"You don't even want to see what he did with me," said Robert Cop, and Phelous threw him away as well.

The group started ascending the stairs that led them to the top of the tower, while a thin mist enveloped them.

CHAPTER 4:

"AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Everyone heard it. The howling resounded through the tower, and the group knew the wolf was close.

He came running with his supersonic speed and immediately punched Brad and Benzaie, smashing them against the wall and making them pass out.

Marzgurl tried to grab her gun, but the wolf teleported next to her, grabbed her by the pussy, and smashed her to the ground, stunning her.

Old Joe pointed his gun at him, but James lowered it.

"It has to be me," he said. "It's time to finish this bullshit fucking feud once and for all."

"Don't be stupid AVGN, you can't defeat him!" screamed Rob, but James was already walking thowards the wolf.

"I told you, I'm James." His face started to twist, and giant fangs popped up from his lower jaw. "Boar... James." He went on all fours and pointed thowards the Nostalgia Wolf. "And when Boar James is bored... he plays some boar games!"

He lunged at him, day versus night, marvelshit versus oh wait we did that joke already.

Boar James kept the wolf occupied while Rob, Miles and Phelous helped the others recover.

The Boar and the Wolf fought each other savagely, ripping each other's skin, biting, slashing. Benzaie kneeled and started jerking off.

"I can pop one in his head from here," said Miles.

"No, you could hit Boar James!" screamed Rob.

"What's the difference? They're both spawns of lucifer."

Rob cleared his head. Miles wasn't wrong, but in some ways, he just wasn't ready to see his brother die.

Rob sighed. He was about to order Miles to take him out of his misery, but Boar James managed to subdue him. Boar James, through a painful looking struggle, went back to his human form. He grabbed the nostalgia wolf by the tie, and he slowly turned back human as well.

"Doug?" said Rob, but the man gave no answer. Rob slapped him, and he woke up.

"Rob? What happened?"

"Insano had you under control, and he made you kill people. You look fine now, but your warewolfism is incurable. We'll figure something out, we need to get you out of here first."

"No, Rob... It wasn't just Insano. When I first got this power I became way more popular than I had been in years. So I knew that I just had to keep killing, and killing, and killing... to rack up those youtube views. Jesus christ Rob, I even killed my wife!"

"About fucking time," said Rob. "I was about to have you shot, but since you killed that fat whore you can come with us. If you start to turn we'll just knock you out again."

"I'd rather not go around with my dick out like an asshole though," said James. Both him and Douge were naked.

"I'll deal with that," said Phelous, then he shot himself in the head and respawned twice. "You can just get new clothes from my corpses, I don't mind."

Everyone shrugged. That was probably the moment they all realized they were too far gone.

With Doug and James clothed again, they moved on to the top of the tower.

CHAPTER 5:

Ontop of the tower, Insano was operating some complex-looking mechanism. Electricity was flying everywhere.

"What the hell is this?" Asked Miles.

"This is something you worthless peons would never be able to understand. It's SCIENCE of course! With this, I will be able to summon the Elder God I have been communing with. Now that I have achieved immortality, me and my master are ready to take over your pityful plane of existance. And finally rule the world! No, the Galaxy! HAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Who are you quoting here? Are you insano?!" Screamed Brad.

A thin white mist surrounded them. Miles tried shooting at Insano, but an invisible barrier deflected all of his bullets.

"Boar James, transform!" Said Rob.

"I've been trying since we got here, but there's some cacadookie buffalo bullshit going on, my powers stopped working."

"It's my anti-magic field you fools!" Insano shot electricity from his hands, and a small explosion sent everyone flying.

"We can't attack him directly!" screamed Marzgurl. "What do we do?"

"I got some C4," said Miles. "If you can discract him long enough, I'll just place it on the machine."

They all nodded, and the group started unloading their guns on Insano, while Miles sneaked out to place the explosives.

Suddenly, though, they were all knocked back and a huge portal appeared in the night sky.

"It is too late you bumbling fuckwads! The portal is open! Witness the unending power of your new god!"

A massive, deformed space fetus came out of the portal. Its eyes lit up.

"Yes! Yes! We're going to crush your puny galaxy through the power of SCIENCE!"

The figure started speaking.

"Look upon us, you miserable mortals, and see your doom."

With a slight twitch of its finger Phelous blew up, and was immediately replaced by another one.

"Well that was different."

Miles sent them a telepathic signal. "Buy me time," he said.

Benzaie addressed the creature.

"Oh mercyful god of destruction, before you annihilate us, at least tell us why."

"Our existance is one of pain," said the creature. "we were born as children of man, or at least we were supposed to: our lives were erased before starting, aborted, you might say. It happened again and again: our mother kept killing each and every one of us systematically, until something happened. Our minds were fused together, bound by a thread of pain and hate, in the limbo she condemned us to. We joined, we evolved. Our powers are great, but we needed a medium to bring our phisical body into reality, to allow us to have our revenge. You are all familiar with the being I refer to as our mother."

Suddenly, they all heard a scream. A pair of white fangs popped out from the mist and attacked Phelous: his blood was sucked out of his body until only a pale shell remained, then he respawned.

Suddenly, the white mist took form, and it became Lindsay Ellis again.

"I thought I killed you!" Screamed Brad.

"She must have faked her death," said Rob. "The Terror TRAX unit is familiar with this kind of mutation, vampires being able to turn into mist isn't that uncommon."

Lindsay just ignored them. Instead, she flew over to the grotesque creature, seemingly undisturbed by its visage.

"So, these are my children? Thank god I got rid of them when I could."

CHAPTER 6:

"Mother, I am glad you could join us in our moment of ultimate triumph," said the creature.

"I don't need a chink doctor to kill you now," said Lindsay, then started conjuring up a spell. A magic projectile raced thowards the creature, but it erased it with just a look.

"No doctor could erase us now, Mother. We are far more powerful than you will ever be."

The creature looked at Insano, and he took out a futuristic gun. Shooting Lindsay with it, she was immediately bound within a crystal, unable to move.

"You will now have the privilege of witnessing our revenge from the best seat available. It was difficult, finding a universe where all your made-up characters were real, but not impossible: after stumbling upon this universe we made contact with Doctor Insano, explaining to him the truth of the universe, that he was just a made up character. Such as your 'Linkara' predicted, fictional characters are indeed real. He was the wisest of you all, and he may have been able to stop us, if the Wolf did not kill him. We started subtly influencing your universe: warewolves, vampires, creatures of legend started showing up out of nowhere, weakening the barrier separating the 'real' universe from the 'fictional' one, allowing Insano to travel as he pleased.

Now, we are God of these universe. Malachite, Terl. All of your stupid creations will rebel against you and kill you all, one by one. Destroy your world, and everything you hold dear. The portal is expanding to your universe as we speak, but first, let us have some entertainment..."

The baby glowed, and suddenly two figures stepped out of the shadows. One of them, the spitting image of Linkara, but half of his face was solid metal. The other one, Doug realized, looked just like he did 20 years prior.

"KNEEL BEFORE ZODD!"

CHAPTER 7:

Zodd started shooting his eye lasers at them, and the group scattered, barely managing to avoid them. Meanwhile, Mechakara just kept punching Phelous over and over, but for each one he killed another one appeared.

"This is desperate! There's no way we can beat... any of this!" screamed Marzgurl.

"I don't mind dying," said Brad. "I mean I have been wanting to die ever since my tenth divorce. But we can't just let them destroy our world. Not for some abortions that bitch lindsay got as a teenager, I mean fuck, one of those babies is probably mine."

"And mine," said Benzaie.

"And mine," said Joe.

"And mine," said Rob

"And mine," said Phelous, before getting blown the fuck out once again

"Now that I think about it, I even cast one of them in my movie, Cheap." said Brad.

"Zodd has the same powers as Superman, he could kill us all in a minute if he wanted. He's just toying with us." Said Doug, on the verge of tears. "If only Linkara were here, he'd know what to do!"

"Wait a minute esse!" Said Joe. He chugged a grenade at Zodd, distracting him, and led the others behind cover. "When we fought the magic negro, a plot device showed up out of nowhere to saved us because we remembered about it. If this world really is made up of our bullshit, we can make up whatever we want!"

"Yeah!" said Marzgurl. "We need to think about something that will save us all!"

"Santa Christ!" said Benzaie.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Rob threw his gun to the ground. "I'm sick and tired of this fucking shit! Shooting those garbage movies has been my greatest humiliation, right along having that fat whale you called your wife refer to me as her brother-in-law, Doug."

"I get it esse," said Joe. "I only hang around you assholes because it gave me views, but if I knew it would lead to this I would have just stayed behind to join a mexican cartel."

Joe looked around, suddenly fearing a shot from Miles, but he sighed with relief when he realized he was still trying to place the explosives over the roof.

"I never should have done that crossover with you Doug," said James. "You would have stayed a nobody and the multiverse would have been safe."

"Oh thanks a lot, jackass, you wanna settle things right now? Let's see how strong you are without your power glove or your boar super powers."

Doug punched James, and James punched him back.

"Hey, lay off my fucking brother!" Rob stepped in, punching James. James ducked, and Joe took the punch straight in the face. He then headbutted Rob and sweeped him off his feet. Doug went in to save him, savagely attacking the spick, and a bit of fur started showing up over his head, signalling the beginning of the transformation.

"It's just like the muslim attacks! Oh no!" Benzaie started crying and panicking. Brad just stood in a corner, drinking crystal pepsi and laughing at them.

"Enough!" screamed Marzgurl, and suddenly flashed her tits. Everyone froze.

"You have my attention," said Joe, still laying on the ground over Rob.

"Ditto," said everyone else.

"I get it, we are all fucked up and we all hate each other, but for once, we need to be cool and think of something that will save us. Something powerful, something... I don't know, something! We can rip on each other all we want after the dead babies are dead again."

They all nodded. Calming down, they moved cover again before Zodd could get closer, and all gathered around each other.

"Here, grab my tits," said Marzgurl, and they all did. "I know what is going to save us."

They all concentrated for a minute, and suddenly, a small flash of light hit Mechakara. Then another one, and another one.

A figure emerged from the shadows, tipping his purdy hat.

"Oh Mechakara, you always go on and on about how flesh is weak and robots being the future, but here's the thing:"

Linkara showed up, shooting his magic gun at Mechakara. The monster lost his balance and stumbled, and Linkara got up close.

"You are an android, but me... I AM A MAN!"

He uppercutted Mechakara, sending his head flying, and it suddenly disappeared.

Linkara looked at them for a second, tipped his hat, and disappeared as well, with a smile that seemed to say: "I will always be your nasty cockslut."

"I am saved!" said Phelous, then Zodd melted him with his heat vision. He spawned close to the rest of the group.

"That was the easy part, but we still need to deal with Zodd. You guys got any ideas?" He asked.

They all nodded in unison. Phelous joined his hand on marzgurl's tit, which was big enough to house all of them. "I know just the guy," she said.

Suddenly, a bigger flash of light blinded them. They could barely distinguish the red and yellow figure emerging from it.

"ARE YOU GUYS READY TO BRAVE?" said the Famikamen Rider.

CHAPTER 8:

Famikamen rider OP starts playing

The famikamen rider, riding his famikamen bike, ran thowards Zodd. Zodd sent a heat ray his way, but he jumped at the last minute. The heat ray hit the bike, setting it on fire, and the rider managed to get up close.

Zodd tried to punch him, but he dodged every move quickly.

"When you're knee deep in pussy as I was, you tend to learn some tricks!" said J-dub. He kicked Zodd in the face and he accused the blow, but he grabbed his foot and sent him flying.

"The famikamen sword!" said Marzgurl. Suddenly, the famikamen rider was armed with his trademark sword. Zodd tried to fry him, but he deflected the blow with the sword. "The only thing that can defeat me is a gunshot to the head," said the Famikamen, and ran up to Zodd. "That, and a gas chamber, but everyone knows they don't exist."

Having said that, he sliced Zodd in two with his sword, and he, like Mechakara, just disappeared. The Famikamen Rider just packed his sword, produced another bike out of nowhere, and ran off into the sunset, disappearing from their sight.

"Mh, we did not forsee you would have this kind of power," said the devilish fetus. "It does not matter however. As soon as the portal opens, your dimension is doomed."

"Run for your lives!" Screamed Miles, running thowards them. The first explosion set off, unbalancing the whole machine.

"NNOOOO!" Screamed Insano. "My SCIENCE! It cannot fail me!"

"Stop crying, you fool!" said the fetus, visibly distressed for the first time.

"There's a total protonic reversal! The portal is closing in on itself, and it's sucking us in!"

The machine started going to pieces and floating inside the black hole, along with insano and the fetus.

The team struggled to keep their footing.

"We need to leave, now!" said Miles.

"No," replied Doug. Everyone looked at him, dumbfounded.

"Maybe... maybe it's better this way. What if we go back and I lose control of the Wolf again? What if you become consumed by the Boar, James? And you, Miles, do you really want to go back to being the government's kill machine?"

"Personally, yeah, I do." said Miles.

"That's besides the point. Look at us, we are the living dead. We're hanging by a thread. We're vampires, werewolves, cyborgs whatever James is. Marzgurl is only keeping herself young through her powers. Even before all of this happened we were on life support, barely hanging on with 200$ s, youtube pennies. The world left us behind long ago, but we just refused to die. Maybe it's time... we just accept it."

"Well I am not undead," said Rob.

"You don't count," replied Doug.

"And what about Joe?" inferred Rob.

"I am dead inside," said Joe, looking battered. Maybe it really was better this way.

"Well I'm not going out without a fight," said Miles, and immediately started chocking out Joe.

"No! No! I'm a citizen cabron, I swear!"

"Filthy beaner blood does not lie."

All of a sudden, they all heard a communication directly in their brains.

"I am Fuhrer Mike. We detected the interdimensional portal is closing from our side, we'll be ready to beam you up in a minute!"

"No!" said Doug, and tried to attack his fellow men. "We deserve to die here! We have to!"

James started dematerializing. Doug jumped at him, but he wasn't able to catch him. He managed to see the explosions going off, and the others all fighting each other, before he found himself back in Jimmy Fallon's couch, confused and tired.

EPILOGUE:

SIX MONTHS LATER

The Kickassia remake was expanded and reimagined; in its final form, it was more of a documentary about That Guy With the Glasses, Channel Awesome, internet reviewing in general and the interdimensional adventures James had just witnessed. Due to his autistic attention to detail, James refused to cut out the sex scenes, which meant it was the first X rated picture ever released by Disney.

The likeness of the TGWTG reviewers was recreated with CGI, which looked like shit. "I'll fix it in the special editions", thought James.

It was premiere night, James and Latza were sitting in the VIP seats. The 5 hour marathon was almost at its end, James narrated the final monologue himself.

"So what was about these people that was so mesmerizing? In the end, there was no quality to be found anywhere in their production. They showed up suddenly, right when nu-media was becoming mainstream, and they did nothing more than consume the memes of the time and present them to us in a digestible way. They were vulgar, at times tasteless, because that was the best way to break off from the safe world of television. For a while, they were the faces of the Internet. But the Internet, as they came to found out, was a place where things changed quickly.

Steadily, their content changed. Production values, convoluted storylines. They even made their own movies, turning right into the very same things they parodied.

All they did was consume memes, but as it is natural, everything you eat eventually runs its course through your body and it turns into a steaming pile of shit.

Some of them tried to branch off, with awful results. A few of them adapted to the coming times, while others did not survive them at all. Before they realized it, they had all been replaced by The Machine.

You know The Machine, the formless committee that decides what you should and shouldn't enjoy. Maybe it's the times, maybe it's corporations. But in the end, everything indipendent gets swallowed up and assimilated by The Machine.

So we got the Markpliers, and the Pewdiepies, and whatever else PR people and producers made millions with.

It's just an assembly line; you think you're laughing at something shitty, but in fact, it was engineered from the start to be shitty and laughed at. You think you're listening to someone's opinion, when in fact you're listening to a script written by PRs and producers. Wether it pisses you off or you agree with it, there's nothing genuine about it.

The internet became an all encompassing, self replicating, meme-eating money-making machine, and it swallowed them all up.

Even before they all turned into the spawn of lucifer, they were already the living dead. They just never realized it. To use the words of my friend Doug, they were on life support. They had no careers outside of the internet, and the internet was not their place anymore.

So we come back to our original question, why is it even worth talking about them? Was it all for nothing? Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.

One day even this movie will be forgotten, and their final legacy will be lost forever. Like a big smelly fart in an elevator, they only existed for a moment, but they made a hell of an impact.

Maybe they were just making shit, hell, maybe WE were just making shit, but at least it was our own shit, god damn it. It came out of our asses and we were fucking proud of it, like a newborn wetting his first diaper.

Nowadays all you get is corporate bullshit. But our shit was for real. It was a tornado of autism, memes, talentless hacks. It had a convoluted storyline that even the worst George Lucas would laugh at, as if a review show would even need one.

Only The Machine is left, but at one point, the worst among us, the stupidest among us, the most autistic, fucked up in the head assholes rose up and made something, and it was fucking glorious.

Give it a few years and you won't even be able to find their old videos anywhere; but the freedom the internet gave us all at that time is a memory that should be treasured forever. If those fuckers made it then anyone could, and if their story taught us anything, is that we should fight every day to get that freedom back from the corporate fucks.

I, for once, will not let them have it."

Once the curtain close, the audience started clapping.

"Do people really do that?" Said James. "Clap in movie theatres? That's fucking retarded."

"They know you can hear them, James. They love you." Said Latza. James could swear he saw a single tear came down his eye. "Are you sure I can't convince you to get back to Disney? This movie is going to make a gazillion dollars. They all do."

"Thanks Sir, but my decision is final. I will go back to making youtube videos, and maybe, just maybe, I will make it great again."

"I lost count of how many times I told you, James. Call me Paul. You know I can just buy Google, it's not like I can't afford it."

"Thanks for the offer, Paul, but this has to get done from the ground up. I need to go back to being a nobody if I want my plan to succeed. That's why I have to disappear."

"I understand," said Latza. "Maybe you'll manage to do what I never could. Turns out even a living god is not really omnipotent. Is this goodbye then?"

"Yes, it is. I have just one more question, Paul. Did they make it? Did the teleporter get them away safely? What about Insano, and the giant fetus?"

Latza smiled. "Some questions are better left unanswered, wouldn't you say, James?"

"No, I would not say. In fact, this seems like one of those bullshit open endings that shitty blockbuster movies always pull when they're not sure if there's going to be a sequel or not."

"I am the president of Disney, James. That's what we do."

 _~ FIN ~_

 _In memory of CptRectum, at least his organs are going to make an Ethiopian child happy._


End file.
